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ROOM 83 

a Jfarce in ®ne Bet 

BY 

MORTON WEIL 

Elaborated by 
MARION SHORT 



Copyright, 1913, by Samuel French 



ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 



CAUTION.— The professional actinii riilhts of this play are 
reserved by the publisher, and is subject to a royalty w-hen 
produced, and permission for such perform- ances must be 
obtained before performances are itifen. This notice does 
not apply io amatenrs, irho may iiorform the play without 
permiRNion. All professional unsuthorized prodnotions will 
be prosecuted to the full extent of the lavr. 



PRICE 25 CENTS 



New York London 



SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30 WEST 38Tn STREET 



SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 

26 SODTIIAMPTON StUEET 

STRAND 



ROOM 83 



21 Ifarce in ®nc Bet 



MORTON WEIL 

Elaborated by 
MARION SHORT 



Copyright, 1913, by Samuel French 



ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 



CAUTION.— The professional ncixn^ ri^bts of this play are 
reserved by the publisher, and is subject to a royalty -M'heii 
produced, and permission for such perform- ances must be 
obtained before performances are given. This notice does 
not apply to amateurs, ^-ho may perform the play without 
permission. All professional unauthorized productions wjll 
be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30 WEST 38th STREET 



London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 

26 Southampton Street 

STRAND 






ROOM 83. 



Scene: — Nicely furnished room in Palace Hotel, 
New Yorh. Tea-iahle o. with service, and chairs 
at either side. Arm-chair e. On wall e. {or 
above mantel-piece) a mirror. Sofa l. 

Time. — Now. 

CHARACTERS. 

Harey WAgHiNGTOK, of Mount Vernon, N. Y. 
Elsie Washington, his ivife. 
Chaeles Ceane, of Craneville, N. J. 
Maeie Ceane, his wife. 



/ 

iClD 34795 



ROOn 83. 



DISCOVEEED. Haeky Washington at r. of ta- 
ble, completely hidden heliind the open neivs- 
paper in his hands. 

Elsie, (enters door c. and comes down to other 
side of table ivhere Haeey is sitting absorbed in 
newspaper) Harry ! 

Haeey. (unheedinghj) Cotton going down, 

Elsie, (irritated, and gesturing with a letter she 
holds in her hand) I don't care where cotton goes, 
or when — unless I happen to have the ear-ache. 
What do you think? 

Haeey. I think the jury will acquit her, even if 
everyone knows she did shoot him. (continues to 
reads) 

Elsie. Oh, bother your old newspaper! I was 
talking about this letter that just came. 

Haeey. (waving her of with one hand as he 
brings paper closer to his eyes) Only four more 
pages to read ! 

Elsie, (walks aivay in a temper) Talk about 
the drink habit, or the gambling habit — there's noth- 
ing so maddening to a woman as to have her husband 
acquire the newspaper habit. Eead, read, read if the 
world comes to an end ! 

Haeey. Suppose it does come to an end? 
Wouldn't you wish your husband to read about it in 
advance? Don't you wish him to be well informed? 

Elsie. Well informed? Yes. That's why I am 
3 



4 ROOM 83. 

trying to inform you now what's in this letter from 
Cousin Mollie ! 

Haeey. (springs up excitedly, flinging paper to 
one side) Cousin Mollie ! 

Elsie, {sarcastically) But you won't let me — 
you're too wrapped up in cotton and whether she shot 
him or not, and baseball, and— and — {gestures dis- 
gustedly) fudge ! 

Haeey. {enthusiastically) Cousin Mollie! Our 
one rich relative — our star of hope ! {in injured 
tone) Why didn't jou say so at once? 

Elsie, {tliinhing she has the upper hand, holds 
letter hehind her haclc) Oh, you've four more pages 
to read ! After that — I'll let you know. 

Haeey. All right, {starts to pich up paper.) 

Elsie, {snatches it aivay) Don't you dare read 
in the midst of my conversation ! 

Haeey. Well, what does she say? 

Elsie. That she's coming on here from the West 
to visit us, and bring her brother Tom. 

Haeey. Great Caesar's immortal shade — how 
sudden \ 

Elsie, {ruefully) Talk about cotton going down. 
If they once visit us — it means a fortune going up, 

Haeey, Why do you say that? 

Elsie. The only reason why Mollie willed me her 
money is because she has never seen me. 

Haeey, Come now — you may not be a beauty, 
but you're not so bad as all that ! 

Elsie, What I mean is — she has a dreadful dispo- 
sition and can't get along with anyone. She's quar- 
reled with every relative on earth that she HAS seen 
and cut them out of her will one by one, and now it 
has come my turn ! 

Haeey, But she shan't cut you off. I — I've 
thought of that money so long that I've become fond 
(f it. It would actually hurt my feelings to lose it 
now. Make up your mind to try your level best to 



ROOM 83. 5 

make her like you so she'll keep the will intact. She's 
bound to approve of me naturally — all women do ! 

{Thumbs in armholes.) 

Elsie. Until they marry you ! 

Haeky. jSTow, you don't mean that — I know you 
don't! 

Elsie. It makes me angry to see you so eager 
about that money — and not one word to say about — • 
about half an hour from now. 

' Harry. Half an hour from now? {puzzled) 
What's the answer? 

Elsie, {ivith a hint of teat's) In half an hour 
we'll have been married just two years. But of course 
that's nothing to you, and Cousin Mollie's money is 
everything ! 

Harry. In half an hour, my precious, I'll beg for 
an anniversary kiss ! Compared to the sweetness of 
that — believe me the money will be nothing — nothing 
— Why in thunder doesn't she come if she's coming 
and not be wasting time on letters ? 

Elsie. That's all the good it will do us when she 
DOES come. My trying to be pleasant and 3'-our 
natural attractiveness will fail to work. The truth 
is — Cousin Mollie and Tom are both as crazy as March 
hares. 

Harry. Not actually crazy? 

Elsie. Called by courtesy eccentric because they 
have money. If poor like us, they'd be carted off to 
a county asjdum in a jiffy. She's a fiend— and I 
know she'll turn against me and yearn to murder 
me with a hat-pin at sight ! 

PIarry. What does the letter say? 

Elsie, {reads) "Dear Cousin Elsie: — Brother 
Tommie and I are tired of the West. We are a trifle 
more than up-to-date, and everyone says we're crazy. 
Between you and me everyone in this state is crazy 



i6 EOOM 83. 

except ourselves. We're coming to visit you at that 
hotel in New York, apartment 83, where you stay 
one month in each year. As we start at once we may 
reach you before this letter does. In that case you 
may read us first. Or, we and the letter may arrive 
hand in hand. Anyhow I remain your affectionate 
COUSIK MOLLIE.'' 

Harry. (who has been thinTcing hard during 
reading of letter) I have the situation managed 
perfectly already ! 

Elsie. So have I? 

Harry. What's your idea? 

Elsie, To leave the hotel immediately with word 
that we've sailed for Europe. My only chance of 
keeping in her good graces and froip being cut off 
in her will — is to stay carefully out of her sight. 
I'll 'phone for a taxi right now. (starts for door) 

Harry, (following and detaining her) Won't 
you listen to little hubby for a minute? 

Elsie. In a minute they may be here ! 

Harry. Let them come ! Keep your head and 
follow my directions — and we'll emerge on top of 
the haystack ! 

Elsie. Anyhow you know what a timid thing I 
am ! Do you think I want a couple of lunatics ram- 
bling around our rooms ? No ! ! Fortune or no for- 
tune ! 

Harry. Do you think I want to offend her by 
running away and lose thereby a nice big barrel of 
money ? No ! Lunatic or no lunatic ! Believe me ! 
Not on your tin-type ! We've got to stay and Jolly 
Mollie ! 

Elsie, (with exaggerated waves of impatience in 
her voice) Stay and jolly Mollie? 

Harry. You needn't sing it! It's not a song — 
it's a suggestion! Now, listen, lovey. (puts arm 
about her and brings her down stage) The way to 
get along with crazy people is to humor them. Do 
everything that they do — no matter what it is! It 



ROOM 83. 7 

flatters their vanity. Why, it's a cinch and simple 
as a, b, c ! Anyhow, she may not be crazy at all ! 

Elsie. She made me her sole heir — doesn't that 
prove it? 

Haeey. Proves it's a pleasant kind of derange- 
ment. Wish some of my relatives would catch it ! 

Elsie. Oh, but I'm so afraid of craziness ! (as 
if aggrieved) Why did she pick me out for her sole 
heir anyhow? 

Haeey. Heavens, you lament it? Bear up, Elsie, 
I'll help you to spend the barrel when it bursts. As 
a splender you will find I have few equals and no 
superiors. As to why she selected you — you're prob- 
ably the only relative who hasn't tried to insert her 
into a straight jacket or hit her over the head with. 
a chair when she became violent. 

Elsie. Violent? {shudders with fear) Oh! I 
see her coming at me with a hat-pin as in a vision ! 
I won't stay here — I won't meet them ! 

Haeey. {angry) Won't? 

Elsie. Won't ! 

Haery. Then you're just as crazy as they are ! 

Elsie. I suppose you'd like me to just stand still 
and let them murder me ! What good will their 
money do me after they've punctured me with a hat- 
pin and I'm dead? I'll 'phone for that taxi. 
Europe for mine ! 

Haeey. {appealing ivith great sentiment) Now, 
Lsten to reason, lovey dovey honey-bunch ! {follows 
her as she exits door up e.) N'ow, Pettie winkles 
just a word — {exits after her up e.) 

{Door 0. opens suddenly and Chaeles Ceane with 
his wife enter. They are both in street 
clothes.) 

Chaeles. {on entering) This is room 88! 
(Irisl'ly) We were to walk right in and make our- 
selves at home, the lawyer said, {looks about ap- 



8 EOOM 83. 

preciatively as he lays off hat and puts cane in eof- 
ner) Pretty nice quarters Uncle Billy occupied all 
right all right! 

Marie, {making wide-spreading gesture) Heav- 
ens it's like a dream ! 

Charles. Gold coins and greenbacks coming to 
life! 

Marie. To think that in a few days you'll be 
worth half a million dollars ! 

Charles, A full million, if Cousin Julia and her 
mother hadn't come along and jollied him into turn- 
ing half of it over to them ! 

Marie. I wonder how she did it ! Is she pretty 1 

Charles. Never saw either her or her brother. 
But they'll arrive any minute now to talk things 
over. The money is tied up fof five long years un- 
less we mutually agree to sign a paper that turns it 
over to us at once. 

Marie. Well, you must sign it instanter! 

Charles. Of course. But will she? There^s the 
rub 1 

Marie. Wouldn't it be horrible if she should in- 
sist on keeping it tied up — just when I need six neWi 
hats and eleven new gowns so badly that I'm dis- 
graced without them. 

Charles, I feel certain I could argue her intc 
my way of thinking and get immediate possession of 
the cash if it weren't for — {hesitates) \ 

Marie. ^ For what ? 

Charles, {hesitatingly) I don't like to owa 
up to it as they're my cousins — ^but they're both sup- 
posed to be off a little in the upper stor}^ — dippy, |n 
fact. She may conclude she'd rather have the mon^y 
tied up for five years and 

Marie. And of course you can't argue with crasi- 
ness. 

Charles, But, you can manage if you know how, 
I shall jolly her, and fall apparently into her w^y 
of thinking. That's the experiment I've decided on, 



EOOM 83. 9 

SO' if you see me walk up to her and chuck her under 
the chin 

Maeie. (imperiously) No chucking and no 
chin ! 

Chaeles. Not even for half a million? 

Marie. JSTot even for half a squillion ! You know 
my one failing, do you not? 

Charles, (ruefully, slioioing fear of her) Jeal- 
lousy— yes, I know! But just for the time heing — 
and when it would m.ean all the hats and gowns you 
Want inside of a week 

Maeib. (passionately) I believe you've always 
been in love with her! 

Chaeles. I've never even seen her. I t®ld you. 

Mapje. (suspiciously) But, you may have loved 
her from a distance ! 

Chaeles. ^tvearily) Iveep it up, Mrs. Othello ! 

Marie. ISTo chin and no chucks — I warn you ! 

Charles. (ohedieMly) 1 cut out the chin and 
chuck the chucks. 

Maeie. (satisfied) Very well. 

Chaeles. But, for heaven's sake don't be watch- 
ing every move I make, or you'll get my nerves on 
edge. (looJcs at watch) I wish they'd come. 

Marie, (gazing in mirror) There, my hat has 
worked crooked again ! I lost my hat-pin on the 
way here, and it simply will not stay oon straight. 

Charles, (matter of fact manner) Why not 
take it off? 

Marie. And have you compare me unfavorably 
with your cousin Julia whom you have, just been 
telling me is beautiful? I guess not. The hat hap- 
pens to be becoming and on it stays. 

Charles. But, Marie, I never said she was beau- 
tiful. How could I when I've not seen her? 

Marie, (strolling about) I thought you said 
there'd be a picture of your Uncle Billy hanging 
over the mantel-piece. You're certain this is his 
room ? 



to EOOM 83. 

• Chaeles. Of course — suite 88. Wasn't it on the 
door ? 

Maeie. I didn't look. I was watching the cham- 
ber-maid watch you, and you 

Chaeles, I never even looked at her. She's too 
cross-eyed to make a hit with me. 

Maeie. How did you know she was cross-eyed? 

Chaeles. A clever guess, my darling. Now, 
you're not going to show jealousy of Cousin Julia, 
are you? 

Maeie, IST-no. But all the same I shall keep on 
my booming hat even if it is uncomfortable without 
a hat-pin. She shan't have me at a disadvantage. 

Chaeles. Let me straighten it for you, little pud- 
ding-pie ! {straightens her hat) 

{Enter door e. Haeey and Elsie i^nolserved.) 

Harry, {in low tone to Elsie, nodding head 
toward other couple) I told you I heard voices ! 

Elsie, My crazy cousins of course ! Oh, I'm so 
afraid, {clings to his arm) 

Haeey. {valiant and important) Follow my 
lead — follow my lead — watch me jolly them, {sud- 
denly and loudly) Hello ! Glad to see you ! 

Maeie, {to Chaeles) Your lunatics! Wlien 
did they get here? 

Chaeles. {to Haeey) Hello yourself. Who are 
you? 

Maeie. {warningly as he goes toward them) No 
chucks! 

Haeey, {to Elsie) Speak up — be pleasant! 

Elsie. {plainly frightened) W-we are your 
cousins, and you are w- welcome ! 

Maeie. {as he is about to shaTce hands with Elsie) 
No chin ! 

.(Elsie, frightened, draws haclc without giving 
Chaeles her hand.) 



EOOM 83. 11 

HarkY. {aside to Elsie) Smile— smile — don't 
let 'em think they scare you! {gives hand to 
Charles) We know — the will— the will — and all 
that! {nods and winks extravagantly, overdoes being 
■pleasant altogether u'hile Marie and Harey look at 
him and exchange significant glances) 

Marie, {walks toward Elsie) How do you do, 
cousin ? 

Elsie, {frightened) W-wery veil, I thank you. 

Marie. You don't happen to have a hat-pin 
handy, do you? 

Elsie. No, no, no ! {runs and get behind Harry) 
She wants a hat-pin. What did I tell you. 

Marie, {to Charles) Poor little thing! No 
sense at all. Almost blithering I I'll try to ignore it. 

Charles. That's right. 

Marie, {approaching Elsie and Harry again) 
1 just thought if I could get hold of a hat-pin 

Harry, {shows a bit of fright himself as Elsie 
clings to him, then braces up) Dear lad}^, we have 
no hat-pins, nor daggers, nor other sharp instru- 
ments, {laughs hollowly and conciliatingly) We — ■ 
we never play with them in our yard — so to speak! 

Marie, {pleasantly) Well, I don't wish to trou- 
ble you, of course— but I thought if I could just give 
one little stab — — 

Elsie. Oh! {pulls Earry to one side of room 
and peers from behind him wild-eyed at other couple) 

Marie. {returns to Charles) Isn't she the 
craziest ever? Acts afraid of something! 

Charles. I'll calm her. 

Marie. All right, but no chins, remember! 

Charles, {to Elsie) The reason she asked for 
a hat-pin is 

Elsie, {foills on knees before him) I know! I 
saw it in a vision ! Oh, but you won't let her punc- 
ture me, you won't ! 

Charles. Don't be frightened! Wlij — {leans 
down) 



12! EOOM 83. 

Maeie, {shrieks warningly) No chucks! 

Chaeles. {hacks o§ a lit, disconcerted hy ivife's 
interruption) Nothing shall harm you— I give my 
word ! 

Maeie. Isn't she pathetic — and so young? 

Haeey. Be seated everybody, {all take seats) I 
hope your stay in town will be very pleasant. 

Maeie. {exaggerated politeness) It's been very 
pleasant so far ! 

Elsie, {aside) Oh ! {hand to head indicating 
mental distress) 

Haeey. Of course, as you already know— my 
name is Washington. 

Marie, {half whisper to Chaeles) It isn't, is 
it? 

Chaeles. No, but I'll humor him if he thinks 
it is. {rises) Being George Washington, you may 
perhaps like to know who I am. Napoleon Bona- 
parte, at your service, {frowns, draivs doivn chin, 
folds arm and stands in characteristic Napoleonic 
attitude) 

Haeey. {aside to Elsie) Crazy as the girl — and 
worse. {pleasantly, to Chaeles) Sure thing. 
Nappy, old boy ! Knew you were from St. Helena 
the minute I saw you. You have that — that — ban- 
ished expression, you know ! This is Martha Wash- 
ington—my wife! {drags the reluctant Elsie for- 
ward) 

Chaeles. {brings Maeie forivard) And this is 
the Empress Josephine ! {aside to Maeie) Humor 
themT-humor them — it means that money now re- 
niember ! 

Haeey. {aside to Elsie) Do as they do — imi- 
tate them — or she'll cut you out of her will. 

Maeie. {comes forward with ceremonial effusive- 
ness) Mrs. General Washington — I'm delighted. 
{makes very deep courtesy) 

Elsie. Charmed, Empress Josephine ! {makes 
deep hovj and nervously drops her fan) 



BOOM 83. 13 

Chaeles. Permit me! (makes such a sudden 
'dive for fan iliat he falls over. The women heep on 
homing and Marie's hat falls to the floor) 

Haeey. Permit me ! ( dives for hat and falls in 
same way Chaeles has done. As he rises and re- 
stores hat, Elsie drops fan again while hoiving and 
Chaeles falls as before and gives it bade to her. 
Then Maeie's hat falls off and Haeey falls again 
in giving it back to her. Business kept up as long as 
it goes. Then Maeie boivs so profoundly that she 
falls in a sitting posture and Elsie does likewise. 
Chaeles and Haeey fall as before in restoring to 
them their respective property. All, disheveled, re- 
main sitting on floor) 

Marie, {almost savagely, as she slams hat wrong 
side to on her head) I demand a hat-pin! 

Elsie, (shrieks her words hysterically) What do 
you want of it? 

Maeie. To put through my hat — what do you 
suppose ? 

Elsie. Why didn't you say so in the first place? 

(All scramble to their feet.) 

Marie, (walks to one side ivith Charles) Why 
don't you ask her whether she's going to sign, and 
have it over with? 

Cpiarles. Waiting to have her take the lead, that's 
all, and then falling in (rubs knee rather ruefully) 
and falling down. I've got to get my breath, (sits 
in chair l. Marie fans him with his hat) 

Haeey. (at r. ivith Elsie, speaks as if half out of 
breath) You mustn't show temper, sugar-lump, 
otherwise we're entertaining them very nicely I 
think. Phew ! I haven't had so much exercise since 
I was quarter-back at college! But the money's 
worth it! 

Elsie, (aggrieved) Oh, that old money of hers 
is everything you think of ! 



14 EOOM 83. 

Harry, What else is there to remember just now, 
my love? 

Elsie, (her voice trembling) Our anniversary- 
kiss ! I told you youM forget it. 

PIarry. Bu.t, I didn't;, duckie. (fans himself 
with handkerchief) Can't you see that I'm panting 
with anticipation? {she walks further to r., pout- 
ing. He takes long step toward her on each count) 
One, two, three, {kisses her loudly) there! {turns 
to Charles) You'll have too excuse publicity! 

Charles, {gets to his feet, smiling fatuously) 
Why, certainly! {speaks aside to Marie) I'm 
obliged to imitate him, my love. 

Marie. Very well ! {walks smilingly further to 
L. and stands with cheek raised waiting for the ca- 
ress. Charles prepares to walk toward Elsie in- 
stead) 

Charles. {takes strides similar to Harry's) 
One, two, three — {bends to kiss Elsie, She slaps 
him as she says word to complete his sentence) 

Elsie. There! (Charles pv,ts hand to cheek 
and makes wry face) How dare you? 

Marie, {pulls Charles back and faces Elsie 
instead) How dare you inveigle my husband into 
kissing you, you lobster-eyed, shrimp-nosed blue-fish ? 

(Elsie shrieks and runs to other side of room.) 

Harry, {to Charles) You tried to kiss my 
wife, you pusillanimous pin-head. {shakes fist at 
Charles. 

Charles. Stand back! You don't understand! 
{takes a step toward him) 

Harry. Wow ! You stepped on my j)et corn ! 
{takes foot in hand) 

Charles. You shouldn't keep such pets. 

Marie, {pulls Charles away) You're forget- 
ting what we came for ! 



ROOM 83. 15 

Elsie, (to Haery. We mustn't lose our tempers. 
You said we should imitate them, and 

Harry. (furious, still nursing foot) Imitate 
them? That's what I said and I intend to keep my 
word. He roosted on my corn! (calls to Charles 
as he hops about on one foot) Come over here — I 
want to roost on yours ! Wow ! 

Marie. Wlmt is the creature wowing about? 

Elsie, (losing her temper) You shan't call my 
husband a " creature," in addition to walking on his 
feet ! Oh, my courage has all come back to me ! 
(produces letter she read to Harry at opening of act) 
Here's your old letter telling me to expect you. I 
return it ! Cut me out of your will — I don't care ! 
Just so we're rid of you once for all ! 

Marie. (takes letter, holes at address on en- 
velope) But I never wrote this ! Besides it is ad- 
dressed to room 83, and this is room 88. 

Charles. Certainly — room 88. 

Harry. Is, eh? (hobbles and opens door) 
There ! 

(Large figure 83 visible on door.) 

Marie. 83 sure enough! (to Charles) It is 
not your Uncle Billy's room at all and never was ! 

Charles, (disgruntled) Bad light in the hall — ■ 
1 couldn't see. (apologetically bows to Harry and 
Elsie) Wrong room! We are intruders. I beg 
the pardon of you both even if you ARE crazy. 

Harry. Crazy. It's YOU that is the lunatic. 
Napoleon Bonaparte ! 

Charles. No, YOU, Father of our Country, are 
the one with the wabbly headpiece. My name is 
Crane, plain Charles Crane of Craneville, N. J. 

Harry. And I am plain Harry Washington of 
Mount Vernon, New York. 

Charles, (testily) Well, if you aren't crazy, you 
look it ! 



OCT 22 1913 

16 EOOM 83. 

Harey. Well, if you aren't — ^you ACT it. (turns 
to Elsie, his rage increasing) I've had enough of 
this. Come on away from here instanter. (starts 
toward door up e.) 

Elsie. Come where? 

Haert. (shouts at the top of his lungs) To 
Europe, (exits door up e.) 

Chaeles. (also in a rage, turns to Maeie) Fol- 
low me ! 

Marie. Where ? To room 88 ?' 

Chaeles. Eoom 88 be hanged. HOME ! (slams 
on his hat and exits door c.) 

Marie, (with calm condescension) Aren't men 
foolish? I knew there was a mistake of some kind, 

Elsie, (equally calm and lofty) So did I — all 
along ! 

(Men put heads in doors r. and c. simultaneously 
and roar at the women) 

COME ON! 

CUETAIjST. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




